Tuesday, September 14, 2010


When I go to watch a movie in Karachi, I am willing to overlook all the things that are common to the city. I don't complain about the electricity going in the middle of an interesting scene, the terrible print, the bad bhangra songs that blare in the intermission, the fact that there is a 20 minute intermission at all...none of it really bothers me. The only thing that seriously does is the ridiculous number of babies that people bring to watch movies that are rated R for language, sex and violence.

You might think it is cringeworthy to watch embarrassing scenes on TV with your parents or grandparents, but think again. There is nothing as cringeworthy as hearing someone on a big screen say "Suck my dick, asshole!" before slitting someone's throat, while parents and their toddlers happily share their popcorn. You might think I have no right to judge, but honestly, some people just shouldn't reproduce. I don't care if they can't afford maids or nannies and don't have anyone to babysit. The quality of the cinematic experience in Karachi isn't so amazing that you can't live without it until your kids are old enough to either understand the movie or stay home.

For a country that has adopted an extremely prudish attitude towards sex, some people seem remarkably cool with kids absorbing inappropriate sexual references with their baby food. Do you really want to shush your five year old when he asks "What does he mean he took off her clothes?" in a packed theatre? Can you really enjoy any film knowing that your 3-foot-high genius is going to tell all his friends what the F word is? Do you really want to spend 500 rupees on giving your children this educational experience?

My anxiety at the sheer amount of bad parenting and stupid life choices around me prevent me from really enjoying any movie. Yes, I am easily distracted. You try to passively pay attention to a screen when a week-old baby is wailing its lungs out because its parents have brought it to a war movie full of people's heads being blown off. You try and have fun on a night out when you wonder why someone doesn't realise that their nearly naked infant is probably howling because it's freezing in the theatre. It's like tolerating child abuse for an hour and a half straight.

Then people wonder why so many idiots make it through our educational system. Look at how they're being raised! I bet Zardari also enjoyed his little family night at the Bambino cinema. It obviously did wonders for his personal growth. This is where it all begins. Age 1.5, seated at the Seaview Cineplex, watching Cameron Diaz sexually proposition Tom Cruise before one of them is shot.

And you thought Uncle Sargam was a little creepy.

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